Here comes a serious competitor for the worst action film of the year, hell, of the last several years, "G.I. Joe". Yikes. I mean, you expect it to be campy, loud, rife with effects over character, and overloaded with action. You expect that from a movie sponsored by Hasbro and based on a toy, right?
But you also expect it to be fun, transportation, exciting and have a laugh or two, right? Well, "Joe" has all of the former and none of the latter. Paramount knew the movie sucked and delayed its release. For that they should be lauded. For releasing it on anything other than the straight to DVD loser pile they should be castrated.
Starring, if you can call it that, more like standing on their mark and looking pretty, the good Joes: zero talent, would-be action star Channing Tatum, , hilariously miscast Marlon Waylon, and Dennis Quaid, bad guy Cobra: pin-up girl Krista Allen, real actor Christopher Eccleston, cashing a paycheck. Directed by Stephen Sommers(Mummy) and written by Start Beattie(Collatral), "Joe" fails on every level. The plot is paper-thin but that 's to be expected: A special forces squad is supposed to deliver nanobot weapons to somewhere, they're attacked by superior equipped Cobra that take the weapon. The two surviving soldiers are rescued by the Joes, who also have fabulous equipment, and so, they want to become Joes too, so they can fight Cobra and get the nanobot back.
Let me point this out about the nanobot- they are microscopic robots that eat stuff, eventually eating the Eiffel tower in a CGI effect that is exactly, and I mean exactly, the same as in "The Day the Earth Stood Stilll". Talk about lazy. And while I'm on the weird stuff in this disaster, what on earth is Bredan Frasier doing in this?? He's on film for like ten seconds as some kind of hand to hand combat instructor. Was he supposed to be Gen. Hawk- Quaid's role, and backed out when he realized where this was all going??
The dialog in "Joe" is wincingly bad, just awful, who wrote this? The action scenes are blurry and confusing, with the exception of the accelerator suit based footrace to catch a car sequence in Paris- that's pretty good. Err... that suit that makes them run fast, jump high- isn't that from the game Crysis? Anyone?
The film ends with a ridiculously long submarine attack on Cobra's base under the polar icecap. It's chaotic. repetitive, LAZY, and by the end, terminally boring. And Marlon Wayans? How did the Wayan brothers every break into Hollywood? I can't recall ever cracking a smile at anything they've ever done. And Channing Tatum? What's going on here? How do these people get roles?
Anyone?
Rating:
Plot: 15
Presentation: 20
Character: 12
Total : 47
