Okay, here's the disclaimer. Unless we personally know a celebrity, we don't know a thing about what that person is really like. What we, the general public know, is the image that celebrity puts forth. Celebrities know this. They invest millions in style consultants, publicists, managers and the like. They cultivate their image with exceeding care, from what they're wearing, to who they're dating, to the inanely prepared little stories they tell on Leno. So what we are left ot react to is the image. And if celebrities don't like the way we react to their image they can try to change it with their arsenal of lackeys or they can chose to not be celebrities. Got it?
My list is mostly based on talent. That's why the honorees should have a job suited to their abilities. Hey guys, my trashcans are full.
1) Ryan Seacrest - Santa all I want for Christmas is a lead pipe and an alley and Ryan Seacrest. This year and every year. Seacrest is a massive tool. My evidence- remember when American Idol first debuted? There were two hosts, Seacrest and Brian Dunkleman. Brian left the show, claiming the main reason was "cruelty." In his words: "I agonized over it, really, but I quite honestly had a very difficult time with how cruel the show was. It really affected me."
How about Ryan? Not a chance. He used it to catapult a career hosting and producing more really bad television then anyone should ever have to see.
2) Shia Labouf- how many major $100 million movies does this guy get to be in? He has no talent. He should be picking up my garbage. Dude, do us all a favor and take some acting lessons.
3) Ben Silverman - chairman of NBC entertainment. Read my "Product Placement" piece for more of his "accomplishments". Left to his own devices this agent turned studio executive will destroy everything in entertainment. He puts the Sell in Sell out. He's evil.
4) 50 Cent- He's big, muscular and been shot 5 times. Is that all it takes to be a celebrity these days? A pox on all you rappers and actors and country singers that are "the total package". See SELL OUT. 50 Cent mumbles his way through medicore lyrics, points and struts. Nowadays he's a self-proclaimed mogul. He tried his hand at acting. The result- good lord. I never heard a word he said.
5) The Jonas Brothers- aren't their 15 minutes over yet? Tweeners have always had their cutesy idols. It's the candy you eat before your musical tastes mature. Why the Jonas's? I've seen them live a couple of times on TV and they sucked. Out of tune, hitting pretend rockstar poses. Makes me wonder if many of those playing the Rockstar game have more talent.
6) Oprah - is there any end to her? What exactly is her talent anyways? Two main reasons she's on this list. 1) she has more power than any human ever should. 2) The whole Oprah's Book Club scam. It's truly terrifying to me that at a whisper of Oprah's book club, anyone's crapola book can zoom up the charts. I know, I hang out in bookstores. I've heard woman chatting excitedly that this or that books is in Oprah's book club. Oprah made Toni Morrison, a good but not great novelist, into a cultural icon- a status the woman just doesn't deserve. Too many great writers have been ignored so that Oprah can tout her personal favorites, the huge majority of which are the same old predictable stories of belittled black characters triumphing over the odds.
As far as what Oprah's real talent is- here it is - bamboozling billions of woman into believing she's just like they are.
7) Steve Jobs - much like Billy Gates, he climbed to the top on the backs of others who were far more talented than he. For Gates it was Paul Allen, for Jobs, Woz. Aren't we all a little tired of his image, with close cropped grey black hair and beard, black clothes, that looms down at us from everywhere? Apple made it big with their Super Bowl ad of a guy throwing a hammer at "The Man'. Now Jobs is "The Man".
8) Dick Cheney- enough said. From the Haliburton scandal to shooting his friend in the face- Dick Cheney is the anti-christ incarnate. He should be in an orange jumpsuit picking up trash from the side of the freeway.
9) Kid Rock - I don't get it. How is this gooney-looking, vocally-challenged guy so famous. I've never gotten it. Now he's all country, doing warmed over Skynyrd songs half as well as the originals. Is it the hat?? This guy should be sweeping the floor after concerts, not headlining them.
10) Matt Lauer - what cracks me up about Matt is when he pretends to be a serious journalist. His hard-hitting interviews are just him asking lame questions more forceably than normal. He doesn't have a clue. He can rake up the leaves in my backyard.
Honorable mentions: Tyra - have you seen this show? She's a discredit to women. Billy Bush- puts the "M" in moron, Dr. Phil - get licensed before you practice.
